she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
