I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
