It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
