dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
