I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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