just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
