I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize