If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize