Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
