She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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