I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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