I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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