Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
