It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize