Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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