In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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