You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
