The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
