i think my tv is drunk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
