dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
