dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
