i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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