My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
