had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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