Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
