i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
