WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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