He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
