mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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