I'm going to rape someone's good day.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Randomize
