Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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