i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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