; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize