Where is the hickey?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
