I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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