im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
