My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
