I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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