When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
