I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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