have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
