I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
