i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize