At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Is it penis luge time yet?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
