My friends, they love my intelligence
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
