ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
