If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
