i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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