guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
