i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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