i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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