my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
