I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
