Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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