I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
