I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize