The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
